Four Strategies to Control Your Feelings (so they don't control you!)
Our feelings guide our actions. The connection between how we feel and what we do is strong and most of the time we don’t even question our response to our emotions. However, there is enormous value in understanding exactly what our emotions are telling us to do. If we can create a more transparent relationship with our feelings we can start to understand if our emotions are always guiding us in the right direction.
Brain freeze
The part of our brain that experiences emotions is deep in the core. When it is activated, it is literally impossible for us to use the clever part of our brain, the outer brain. Our decisions become more childlike and more protective, we default to well-worn habits shortcuts and are more likely to make mistakes. In essence, we are subject to being controlled by our emotions and pulled off from our more clever self. It means that we may end up doing things we haven’t really thought through, we may say or not say things that we later regret.
Create strategies for emotional management - your future self will thank you!
Strategies to try in order to take back control
(1) Write things down
One way to see patterns in your behaviour is to note down your feelings. You may find that there is a habit you have such as:
being defensive or attacking
withdrawing or sulking
avoiding things or people
blaming systems or people
taking too much on or pulling back from everything
saying ‘yes’ when you want to say no
not speaking your truth in the moment
avoiding decision making
getting lost in decisions
With this increased awareness of behaviour patterns you’ll be better equipped to recognise and manage emotions as they arise.
(2) Watch and learn
Start to watch others and the way they show their emotions through their behaviours. Use this information to learn more about what you like or dislike as ways to manage emotions and see if you can start to ‘act as if’ you were that person when you have the opportunity to experience a difficult emotion.
(3) Reinterpret and reframe
Can you reinterpret the feelings you have as something else? So for example, the feelings we get from excitement are not that different from those we get from fear, but reinterpreting, giving them another meaning, might help you to work through what to do next in a way that is helpful.
(4) Seek support
If the difficult emotions seem to be persistent or overwhelming you may need to consider getting support and it may be time to talk to your GP to find the support you need. Often there are simple options or tools that we can’t see because we are ‘in’ it.
Learning how to control your emotions rather than them controlling you is a really powerful tool for all areas of life. Give it a try.
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